Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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