I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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