We're like a lot better than the average bears
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
