So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
