Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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