Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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