If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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