Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
