dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
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