I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We are two peas in an std pod
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
