I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
