Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
