Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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