There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
