I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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