No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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