i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize