I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
