A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
