My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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