This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
