Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
