when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
