Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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