You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
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