I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
