Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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