Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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