Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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