Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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