I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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