How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
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