my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
