she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
