I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
