I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
