I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
