normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We were destined to go to rehab together
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
