If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize