Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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