peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
