maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize