i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
