that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
