so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
