walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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