just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
