I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
