Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize