i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize