he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
