If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
