I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
