Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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