I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
