i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
3pm strippers are depressing
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
