Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize