Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
