cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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