my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize