I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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