She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
