peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize