My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
