I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
We left an ass print on the piano.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
