Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
