I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
