I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
