Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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