I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
